Here are three stories about communication styles. As you listen to or read these stories, think about the ways you talk with people, and how they communicate with you. What are your goals as you speak with them? What does it seem like their intentions are?

Generally, one purpose of communication is to express or resolve the emotional drives our brain and body are experiencing, even if we don’t realize it. Interestingly, conversations start with the thoughts generating the emotions, and then we create our lives via our words and actions. Therefore, if we want to improve our lives, we need to begin with our thoughts so that our emotions compel us to actions and words that move us toward our goals.

Hi. My name’s Blair Ashby. I invite you to consider a new way to look at communication with others as well as with yourself. Now, let’s enjoy the stories. Each story will show a different way of dealing with conversation challenges.

They were an average couple. They had been married for twenty-two years, had two kids, one in college and one living on his own. They had two trees, a dog, a charming home, and German cars to drive. They had met in high school, dated on and off throughout college, and eventually decided that they would rather be together than apart, so they got married.

Although neither one of them was an excellent communicator, they both tried. They used “I” statements the majority of the time, and they tried to speak politely to each other. However, if one of them had a challenging day at work, by the time they got home, that person’s usual politeness grew weak, and snarky comments would creep into the evening’s discussions. Usually, the other would just let the petty comments go. But when both people had a stressful day, the snarkiness became too much for either person to deflect. Eventually, one person would press too hard or take a comment personally, and a verbal nuclear war would erupt.

They had loud fights where they called each other nasty names, cried, yelled, and desperately tried to beat the other person down into submission.  Finally, after hours or, sometimes, days of this, they always came back together when one of them gave in, or they both just grew tired of fighting.

Once peace took over the household, they went back to using “I” statements and being polite again until the next time that both of them had a bad day at work. Then the verbal cataclysm would start all over again.

However, every day after work, she would go home and collapse onto her bed, exhausted from defending her emotional well-being and from his constant bragging about his greatness. It usually took her hours to recover. Ironically, her boss didn’t know any of this. He went home each day, exhausted from trying to be the bully that he thought she wanted him to be so she could be a competent worker.

The emotional dysfunction between these two started over ten years ago in the very first interview she had with him. In that interview, he had asked her what the best way to give her instructions for a task was. Strangely he thought, she started talking about her father and his bullying technics and how she hated it even though she still did the work beyond his expectations.  The boss felt confused, so he asked her to explain what she meant again. She continued, “My dad was a jerk! However, I always did more than what he asked of me, even if I didn’t like how he asked me.” AAH CHOO! She sneezed loudly. They both chuckled with surprise, and the boss said, “Bless you.” They were both so distracted by the sneeze that they never went back to the subject of her instruction preferences.

About four months after they had met and started to spend a lot of time together, they disagreed about something. It wasn’t a big deal, even though it felt big because it was the first time they had quarreled. They had different perspectives on an issue about which they believed they had shared the same vision. The problem was personal to both people, and that was a big part of the disagreement. Thankfully, they both wanted to honor and respect the other person, even if they didn’t agree with the other's position.

When they realized that they were not going to agree upon the issue, they changed directions in their thinking. Instead of fighting to be right, they decided to set up a system that allowed each person to be heard and respected. They created some basic rules to follow in that disagreement and future disagreements so that they could preserve their friendship, respect each other’s perspective, and be present and compassionate to each other. They both felt that the best way to carry their friendship forward was to create mutually agreed-upon boundaries of respect and compassion. That way, their relationship could grow and benefit no matter what their opinions were about an issue.

Consider this idea. In the stories above, the methods each couple used set up the relationship to experience more stress or to improve. In my opinion, the third story is an excellent model for any relationship to follow. Whether it be a romance or a business colleague, relationships that build us up and support us reward us with compassion, respect, and meaning; good relationships make our lives better.

Communication and conversations can be tricky events to navigate, especially if any people involved in the discussion are experiencing elevated emotions. When we are experiencing high emotions, our brains try to conserve energy by slowing down rational thought and speeding up habitual reactions. Speaking, word choice, and sentence structure are instant for most of us. In other words, speaking is frequently automatic or habitual. That is why when we are experiencing high emotions, we sometimes say things we later regret. A choice of words mistakenly said in the heat of the moment occurs because we are not thinking with our full complement of rational thought. Instead, we are relying on automatic reactions, which tend to represent how we feel in the moment, not necessarily how we think regularly. The secret is education, practice, and repetition. With my training, exercises, and conversation rehearsal, we can create new habits that better represent who we really are and what we honestly believe, even when we are experiencing high Emotion.

          

If you would like some immediate tools to help you navigate your current discussions, please read this page: Blair’s Communication Guidelines. My guidelines are a great source of free information to help you navigate your conversations, no matter what type of relationship you have.