Dear Sir, A Letter From A Communication Consultant

A picture of a storm cloud looking very angry.

I created this page from a letter I wrote to one of my clients. He asked me to join a video meeting he held with all his department managers as a communication consultant. I sat silently, watching and listening to the participants as they interacted. I then wrote this letter as a short report. I have changed any references that might give away the identity of the organization or the attendees.

Dear Sir,

May you be healthy and well.

You asked me to sit in on your company manager’s meeting this week to offer you some communication advice on how to best handle your team’s anxiety during the strange time we are experiencing. Thank you for the opportunity to provide some communication insights. Here are my observations and recommendations.

It appears you are under a lot of pressure to make your department work. That pressure must be challenging to feel as you receive it from your superiors, while at the same time, your subordinates are also expressing dramatic emotions about the changes happening to and around them. You are stuck in the middle of these two forces, and you are suffering a lot. I have some hope for you, though, there are ways you can navigate this strange time with wisdom, leadership, and poise.

The first step is to take care of yourself. If you feel you are drowning under the weight, then you will inadvertently inflict those feelings on your colleagues through your subtle communication and subtext. Richard Rohr says, “if we don’t deal with our pain, we ill inflict it upon others.” Therefore, please work toward getting your mind and body in a healthy state of being. Here are some ways to assist you.

Start with Smooth Steady Breathing

Start with practicing smooth and steady breathing, similar to how you would breathe if you were relaxed. Yes, it sounds simplistic. Taking smooth even breathes changes your brain’s ability to process information, though. Smooth means switching from your inhale to your exhale as gently as possible, avoid shallow fast breaths in other words. Steady means keeping an even rhythm. As an example, four counts on your inhale and four on your exhale, or four in and six out, etc. The important part is to breathe relaxed and natural. This smooth, steady breathing signals to your brain that you are comfortable, and thus, your mind will signal to the rest of your body that all is well. Every part of you will work better if you practice relaxed breathing.

Sperate Who You Are From How You Feel

The next step is to check-in with your feelings. This emotional awareness may sound strange to you, so here is the reason it is essential. Imagine you are the blue sky. Taking this analogy further, imagine that your thoughts and feelings are clouds that float through you as the blue sky. The blue sky is where you want to reside. Thus, if you can watch your thoughts and feelings as separate from you, like clouds, you can better navigate uncommon situations. The reason is thoughts, and especially judgments, and their resulting emotions, blind us to possibilities. If we want to remain open to options and solutions, we have to avoid fogging our minds by attaching who we are to how our body thinks and feels. I can imagine this is a strange idea to hear. Please call me to go further into this powerful concept of detachment.

If you can separate your identity, who you are, from how you think and your body feels, then you will probably feel like you are in a stable or grounded state of mind. That baseline space will serve you very well as you deal with the forces that come at you from all sides. You can stay in this peaceful space of grounded-ness even as the storms of change rage all around you. Ironically, most of those storms will be a result of judgments your mind renders and compels in you. If you are feeling grounded, you can watch the reactions of your mind float through you without having to react to them. Your mind will stay open to possibilities you will have the wisdom and fortitude to be the best leader you can be as you move into the next phase.

Feeling safe and grounded is an excellent space to cultivate inside of you before you go into meetings like the one I observed. In that meeting, you had several people asking tough questions and expressing emotions with little to no filters. In a grounded space, you can recognize that your people are feeling scared, threatened by the changes, and defensive. When you can see that state of your team, you are ready to be the leader you and they desire you to be. A good leader listens as much, or more then he commands, and listening is what your people need from you, especially right now.

Reflective Listening and Response is the next communication skill to utilize.

Listening is hearing what the speaker is saying while also noticing how they are saying it. What they are saying is the words they are using. The way or how they are speaking, their voice inflections, the adjectives they are using, and any other subtle information they express is called subtext. Words and subtext combine to convey information about the thoughts the speaker is trying to communicate. Reflective listening and responses are a method to demonstrate to the speaker that you are listening to them and what they are saying while also what verifying you are hearing.

After you listen to the speaker, reflective responses work by repeating back to them what they said and what you heard. There are two modes for these responses, exact wording, and paraphrasing. Generally, you will do well to always start with exact word responses. Simply, repeat back to the speaker, word-for-word what they say. As an example, if an employee says to you, “I hate these changes!” You reply in a quiet calm voice, “you hate these changes,” and then stop talking. Usually, almost immediately, the speaker will expand upon their sentiment, and you will get a bit more information into their more in-depth thoughts. These deeper insights are essential because most people speak from their emotions without real clarity into their more profound beliefs about an issue. Yet, the deeper thoughts are the trigger for their emotional expressions so, deeper insights are crucial for you as they give hints to what lies underneath. If necessary, repeat this process multiple times until the speaker begins to sound calmer. Usually, within two or three exact responses, the speaker calms down, and I have never had to use exact responses more than five times in a row.

Generally, after a couple of exact responses in a quiet and calm voice, the speaker will begin to calm down. Once they start to calm, then switch to paraphrasing the speaker’s words to verify you understand, while still using a soothing, quiet voice. In the paraphrasing stage, you will get to the heart of the issue because the emotions have deescalated. Instead of reacting from how they feel, the speaker begins to think about their word. This shift will clarify their expression and help you to understand. Once you have aided the speaker in defining their message, you can show real empathy for the speaker’s emotions and plight, and that will strengthen your position as their leader.

After one or more paraphrased responses, a significant change tends to happen in the dynamics of the conversation. Generally, the speaker’s attitude will change from expressing emotion to receiving instruction. This change will open the door for you to begin gently leading the situation. Reflective listening and responses will validate your employees while paving the way for you to be a wise leader. It is frequently a profound change when a discussion moves from dealing with emotions to addressing real issues, and often all you have to do is offer reflective listening and responses.

Speak to their emotions before you speak to their reality

Another way to look at this is to speak to their emotions before you speak to their reality. When a speaker is experiencing elevated emotions, usually, they are unable to focus on anything except expressing how they feel. However, as a leader, you have to get the speaker, and your team focused on the reality of the situation. Often, the most compassionate (and usually only way) to get to the real concern is through their emotions. Those emotions will find a way to get expressed. As the team leader, you can direct this process by first speaking to their emotions—reflective listening and responses—and then speaking to their reality. You will achieve your goals, and the team will feel valued as individuals. This is a win-win solution for you and your team.

I have covered a lot of topics in this email, so if you feel overwhelmed or confused, I understand. You have a lot to take in, and I want to assist you in any way that I can within the bounds of intrapersonal or interpersonal communication. Please call me or write me back if you would like to go further into any of these concepts.

I am on your side, and I believe in you. Thank you for inviting me to be a guide for you and your team. You can achieve a well-functioning department and navigate this challenging time with grace, wisdom, and compassion. Your team will thank you, and your superiors will thank you.

With peaceful and sincere wishes,

Blair Ashby

www.BlairAshby.com

720-789-4000

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