Blair's Communication Guidelines
Classes & Resources
Communication Skills and Tools
for an Easier Life and
More Peaceful Relationships
Communication Skills and Tools
for an Easier Life and
More Peaceful Relationships
for an Easier Life and
More Peaceful Relationships
My Communication Guide
- If we know what we are thinking and feeling in our deeper layers, we gain more control over our discussions with others.
- Once we have a better understanding of our deeper layers, we can shape our sentences precisely, making it more likely we’ll be understood.
- Once we can see our emotions, we can see past them. Once we see past our feelings, we can respond to the other person’s message instead of reacting to how we think and feel.
- Who is our true self, the person we truly want to be? When we are in a conversation, what do we genuinely want from the conversation? Do we want to win the person to our side even if they disagree with you? Or do you want to respect the other person and their position? Our emotions push for immediate satisfaction. Our deeper layers may want to support those important to us. Here are some guidelines for navigating that dichotomy inside of us?
Communication and conversations can be tricky to navigate, especially if any of the people involved in the discussion are experiencing elevated emotions. Most dialogues are about one or two subjects. The subjects are usually an issue and how that issue affects the speaker. Furthermore, the speaker tends to express their opinion and especially their feelings about their opinion as being more important than the subject itself. The minefield of emotion and subject confusion creates problems for the listener, and the listener frequently misses the main reason for the discussion. Further confounding the issue, the listener tends to absorb only the parts of the exchange that relates to how the listener thinks and feels so, the dialogue becomes clouded even further.
To try and ease some of the confusion, misunderstanding, and emotional distress generated by common communication mistakes, I have created a set of guidelines for my clients to reference, study, practice, and use. If you follow these guidelines, your day-to-day conversations will go more smoothly, and the high emotion discussions you are in will probably stay calmer and focused. My ultimate goal for these guidelines is to provide people with some tools to navigate conversations with the least amount of suffering for all participants involved.
Communication and conversations can be tricky to navigate, especially if any of the people involved in the discussion are experiencing elevated emotions. Most dialogues are about one or two subjects. The subjects are usually an issue and how that issue affects the speaker. Furthermore, the speaker tends to express their opinion and especially their feelings about their opinion as being more important than the subject itself. The minefield of emotion and subject confusion creates problems for the listener, and the listener frequently misses the main reason for the discussion. Further confounding the issue, the listener tends to absorb only the parts of the exchange that relates to how the listener thinks and feels so, the dialogue becomes clouded even further.
To try and ease some of the confusion, misunderstanding, and emotional distress generated by common communication mistakes, I have created a set of guidelines for my clients to reference, study, practice, and use. If you follow these guidelines, your day-to-day conversations will go more smoothly, and the high emotion discussions you are in will probably stay calmer and focused. My ultimate goal for these guidelines is to provide people with some tools to navigate conversations with the least amount of suffering for all participants involved.
After you have read these guidelines, the secret is practice and repetition. Training and rehearsal will create permanent pathways in your brain so that automatically you express yourself clearly and understand others as much as possible.
Any one of these points can easily be a full class or presentation. Please contact me here if you’d like to discuss having me teach, speak, or coach you or your group.
Awareness
Awareness means watching whatever is going on in you and around you as if it were happening to someone else. Another way to think about awareness is by observing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as your mind and body experience sensory input or thinking about something. Awareness is the ultimate in self-observation.
This self-observation can be challenging to implement because we all believe we are very self-aware. “I don’t need this stuff. I know myself better than anyone” is a common reaction I hear when I begin workshops on awareness. The mind does not want to believe that there are thoughts, emotions, and behaviors or actions going on in our brains and bodies of which we are unaware. However, have you ever said or done something that you immediately regretted? From where did those words or that action come? Is it possible that dynamics of which we are unaware are driving our acts?
Let’s start with this simple formula:
My thoughts generate my emotions.
My emotions compel my actions.
My actions create my life.
This formula means that every action we take outside of physical survival instincts starts with a thought.
Now let’s define an action. An action is anything that utilizes energy in our bodies. Thus, actions are any physical movement, spoken words, and even thoughts. If you think about that time you said or did something you instantly regretted, was it because of a habitual thought pattern of reaction based on previous experience?
The majority of reactions are automatic and based on past experiences, learned responses, and conditioning. If thoughts are the beginning of creating our lives, then the more aware of what our thoughts are, the more control we have over how we form our actions. Awareness gives us the capability of moving beyond unconscious automatic reaction to conscious response. Awareness gives us more power in our lives.
Here are some things to notice or be aware of:
- Thoughts
- Memories
- Ideas
- Opinions and Judgements
- Knowledge
- Thought Patterns
- Look for your brain having the same reactions to a person or situation repeatedly.
- Emotional and feelings
- Emotion and feeling Patterns
- Look for your feelings having the same reactions to a person or situation repeatedly.
- Actions and behaviors
- Look for your body having the same reactions to a person or situation repeatedly.
The secret of awareness is to try and observe your mind and body’s reactions without following the instigations, compulsions, pushes, etc. that arise out of those observations. Try to notice what you are thinking, feeling, doing without taking action. Give your mind time to process the situation.
Most Importantly, Breathe
Before any conversation, and especially before emotional conversations, breathe. Take three deep breathes to calm the reactionary parts of your brain down. After those three breaths, try to keep your breathing calm and relaxed throughout the entire conversation. This simple breathing skill will allow your mind to think more clearly and your body to feel more comfortable.
Pay Attention to How You Feel
Emotions and feelings cloud our ability to discern our thoughts or the true meaning in conversations. So watch them!
Start with this model:
My thoughts generate my emotions.
My emotions compel my actions.
My actions create my life.
Our subconscious is our deep thoughts; we only become aware of them when they rise to our conscious mind. These deeper thoughts can help us understand what our subconscious beliefs about a situation are. Usually, it takes time for these more in-depth observations to make their way up to our awareness. Thus, if we pay attention to the feelings coursing through our body, how we feel, we can gain insight into our internalized thoughts and beliefs. This awareness gives us, our conscious mind, some influence on how we respond and act.
Feelings were invented by survival to make us move fast. Speed is generally vital in physical survival situations. Unfortunately, the part of our brains that generates emotions (the Limbic System) is missing the ability for logical thinking. This missing rational thought means that we experience the same feelings when our mental and emotional survival are threatened or benefited as we do when we are physically threatened or benefited. It is built into us to behave this way. The problems start when we react to emotions that were created by survival to keep us alive physically, and the only threat or benefit we are experiencing is to how we think, believe, or want something to be. These mental and emotional threats are the most significant reason people fight with each other. Therefore, be aware of how you feel as you interact with people.
Pause and Process the Situation
After a stimulus, try and wait a few seconds before you take any action or say anything. There is tremendous power in that pause. Give your mind time to evaluate the full situation and see possibilities that are hidden by our emotional drives.
Awareness or Self-Awareness is generally one of the most challenging skills for us to learn as humans. Our Survival Mind works extremely hard to avoid seeing ourselves, our failings, and our responsibility. Thus, learning awareness takes patience and practice. However, the payoff is enormous. If we can recognize our responsibility in our lives, we gain significant control over how much we suffer. We can even choose not to suffer. If you would like to learn how to lessen and prevent suffering in your life, reach out to me here, and let’s begin your journey to a better life and relationships.
Emotional awareness, combined with even breathing, will leave your mind open to possibilities for win/win solutions.
Dear Friend,
Self-Compassion is a skill we tend to learn faster when we learn together. Please sign up for my newsletter, and together, let's create better lives for ourselves. I will only send out a few emails a year.
Thank you.
Clear Speaking
Clear speaking is knowing how you feel, what information you want to convey, and how you want to speak it so that your listener knows precisely from your words, what you are trying to say. In an ideal conversation, your listener does not have to use any of their interpretation to understand your message
Be Aware of Your Feelings
The emotions you are experiencing will convey as much or more information through your subtle language than your words. If you can make your feelings and your words match, you have the best chance of successfully communicating your information.
Always Pause Before You Speak
Give your Prefrontal Cortex time to formulate your words instead of instantly blurting out whatever comes to your mouth.
Be Very Clear About What You Are Trying To Say
The more accurately you can word your thoughts and feelings, the more likely you are that the other person will understand you.
Before You Speak, Test Your Wording On Yourself
How
would you feel if you heard the words said to you? The sensations you are experiencing inside may give you hints to what the other person may feel, especially if you and the other person share a lot of similar values. Therefore, to help you smooth the conversation, go over your words and sentences in your mind before you speak them verbally.
Be Careful About How You Bias or Spin Statements
We generally bias our statements to achieve our desired outcome. However, what if our desired outcome isn’t the option for your relationship? When we are aware of how we are feeling, we can also control how much bias or spin we put on our words so that we don’t unintentionally cause ourselves or others suffering.
Be Careful Where You Put Your "But"
Communication has several pithy comments about the word “But.”
- Everything before the but is bull.
- Don’t put your but in someone’s angry face.
- "Yes, but" means I don’t’ care what you think.
All of these are true in some situations. The word “But” is dangerous if we are unaware of our thoughts and feelings (see awareness). “But”
frequently reflects something we feel while it also negates portions of the
message we are conveying. Do we genuinely want to cancel out our or someone
else’s words with a ”but”? Instead, can we find a way to use the word “And”?
And is inclusive and generally invites possibilities into the topic.
Use “I” Statements
“I” statements state your perspective and experiences without confronting the other person’s position, especially If you avoid the word “you.”
If You are Feeling Negative, Avoid Statements That Begin With “You”
Frequently, sentences that include the word “you” while you are feeling negative sound like verbal punches (remember your subtle-language naturally gives cues about how you are feeling). The listener feels attacked, even if you intended no attacks. Avoiding the word “you” can save the conversation a lot of discomfort.
For example:Notice how this “you” statement feels to you, “You never do this!”Now notice how the same sentence as an “I” statement feels, “I have not seen this done.”Which one feels better to you? Your listener will probably feel similar.
Name It to Tame It
Naming emotions give us a sense of control over how we feel. This feeling can make it easier to control our behavior and work toward a win/win solution. So, use “I” statements to name your emotions and stay focused on the issue.
Use “I feel” Instead of “I am”
Try not to attach how you feel to who you are (see personalizing the Issue). “I am...” or “I’m...” subtly connects how you feel to your identity, and then frequently, you take the emotional pain personally. “I feel” detaches who you are from how you feel. Use “I feel … because I wanted …” to signify your feelings about a situation without personalizing your suffering.
Try to Get Your Words and Emotions to Match
Remember subtext? Your voice tone and inflections, along with your body language, will give hints to the listener about the emotions flowing through your body, even if you are unaware of them. Thus, to avoid incongruent messages (your words not matching your subtext) put effort into bringing the two forces—thoughts and emotions—inside of you into alignment. The more accurately you can get your thoughts and feelings to match, the more success you will have in sharing your information.
When You are Replying to Emotional Statements or Outbursts, First, Speak to Their Emotions
Speaking to their emotions means meeting them where they are. If they feel angry, instead of feeding that anger by saying something that challenges or supports their anger, repeat back to them their words
about their anger without judgment or encouragement. Here are some points to remember:
Use a Calm and Relaxed Voice
When the other person is upset or excited, you may have to speak to their emotions many times before they calm down and move into the reality of the situation.
For exampleWife: You make me so angry!Husband: You feel angry.Wife: Yes! You bought a stupid toy for your car!Husband: You feel angry at me.Wife: You don’t need that stupid widget to drive to work!Husband: You feel frustrated that I bought a new widget for my car.Wife: Yes. And it’s a dumb and expensive toy.Husband: You feel frustrated that I spent our money on a toy for my car.Wife: Yes, and I can’t use it in my car.Husband: You feel angry with me because I bought a widget for my car and I didn’t consider you or if you wanted one for your car when I bought it.Wife: Yes. How does it work?
Notice each time the husband spoke, he reflected his wife’s emotions and also slowly, using her words, helped both of them to define the real issue about which she felt upset.
When You are Replying to Emotional Statements, Speak to the Reality Second
See Speak to their Emotions to read the example conversation. Speaking to reality brings communication to the real issue instead of losing focus on reactions about the subject. However, if the emotions
are still escalated, then Speaking to the Reality will frequently increase the
emotional level. Therefore, deescalate the situation first by speaking to the emotional
statements with compassionate reflections.
We are emotional beings. Thus, it is crucial to deescalate the emotions before speaking about the issues. Furthermore, it is always wise to Speak to the Reality after you have reflected enough statements that the speaker asks you for your input. If you try to force the issue before they are open to your perspective, they may feel challenged, and the situation escalates.
Again, Pause and Think
We, humans, are built to react to emotional messages. When we react, commonly, we escalate a situation. The good news is if we pause for a second and think that second or two gives our rational mind time to catch up to the reality of the other person’s words; in other words, we can see the reality of the situation beyond the emotions. Once we recognize the broader situation, we can deal with the emotions from a detached and non-personal position, and we can find win/win solutions.
Here is an example.Speaker 1: “Fine! What do you want to talk about now?”
Please note the “Fine!” is dismissive. However, also notice that the question leaves a door open for further discussion. Use reflective statements to test that opening.
For example, in a calm voice, say, “You sound angry.” then stay silent and let the other person respond. Repeat reflections as many times as necessary to aid the other person in finding a way to express their thoughts without as much emotion.
Clear Speaking can seem impossible because the emotions that drive our reactions happen instantly. Those feelings push us to start talking before our rational mind has caught up with the situation. We end up saying something that relates more to what we are feeling than it to what we truly want. Awareness will help us discern what we want, and Speaking Clearly will help us communicate that information to our people. If you would like assistance in learning how to determine what you truly want or how to word it to make your goals a reality, contact me here.
Emotions shield us from things that do not support the thoughts and feelings that we are experiencing internally. Clear speaking means we speak about our thoughts and feelings precisely, so the listener does not need to interpret what we mean. Reflective listening helps us stay aware of how we feel so we can look beyond those emotions and better understand the other person’s message.
Reflective Listening and Reflective Responses
Reflective listening is paying focused attention to the other speaker’s words, their Subtle Language, and their Implied Meanings. A Reflective Response is saying back to the speaker their words (not your reactions) to make sure you understand what they are saying exactly.
Use Reflective Listening and Responses to Understand the Speaker
What words is the speaker using, EXACTLY? What do you hear, EXACTLY?
- Verify that you heard the other person correctly using Mirror Responses and Paraphrasing.
- Mirror ResponsesMirror Responses are repeating back precisely what the other person says word-for-word. Mirror Responses let the speaker know that you have heard them and that you are paying attention to their words. Generally, when using mirror responses, you would speak with a calm voice that doesn’t feed your or their emotional reactions and end your sentences with a slight questioning sound or no period sound. You’re going for a sound that leaves the sentence open upon which the speaker can elaborate. Mirror responses are a “plain and simple” repeating the speaker’s words.For example,Speaker: I feel outraged about this situation!Listener: “You feel outraged at this situation” (please notice and say with no period)
- Paraphrasing
- Paraphrasing responses are repeating back what the other person said while using your wording. Paraphrasing helps you clarify what you’re hearing and usually assist the speaker in refining what they are saying. Generally, when using mirror responses, you would speak with a calm voice that doesn’t feed your or their emotional reactions and end your sentences with a slight questioning sound or no period sound. You’re going for a sound that leaves the sentence open upon which the speaker can elaborate.For example,Speaker: I feel outraged about this situation!Listener: “It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated about this” (please notice and say with no period)Or: “It seems as if you’re feeling really angry over this” (please notice and say with no period)
Both Mirroring and Paraphrasing help the other person feel that you have heard them.
What is the Other Person Saying, Exactly?
In communication, words are the only common denominator that we share with other people because we have shared meaning for words as defined by dictionaries. Contrast that to subtext, which is interpretation based. Subtle Language is made up of emotions and body language that we have to interpret. Without words, we can not be sure that our analysis is correct. Adding further confusion to a mutual understanding is the other person may not be able to express their ideas very precisely because they lack the vocabulary to describe or the awareness of their thoughts and feelings. Fortunately, we can help them with reflective responses. We can mirror and paraphrase what we are hearing, and those reflections give the speaker feedback from which they can refine their message to be more accurate. You may need to use Reflective Listening and Responses several times before the emotions deescalate enough to get to the genuine issue.
What Feelings Does the Speaker Seem to Be Experiencing?
The words they use may not match the feelings they are expressing. (see Implied Meanings and Subtle Language below) Therefore, mirror back the speaker’s words first, then after two or three times of mirror reflecting if you don’t understand their meaning, try paraphrasing their words and end with a weak questioning statement sound in your voice.
For example,Speaker: I love this! I don’t care what it costs. I’m going to buy it!Listener:Mirroring (in a calm voice) - You don’t care how much it costs, you’re going to buy it.Paraphrasing (in a quiet voice) - So you are saying that you would like to buy that expensive item for your collection.
Be Sensitive. What Does It Seem Like the Speaker Means?
Many people are not able to precisely express what they are thinking, especially in emotional situations. Consequently, their subtext will convey their emotions around their thoughts, possibly more than around their words. You, as the listener, can help them by using Reflective Listening and Speaking to their Emotions to discern what they are saying.
What do Their Words Mean to You?
It is probably essential that you understand the speaker’s message. Their sentences will mean something to them. Your interpretation of their news is crucial if you two are going to understand each other. Paraphrasing their words is extremely helpful in clarifying their message with your perceived meaning.
- Repeat back to them what you understood, paraphrased in your words.“It seems…”, “It sounds like...”, “It feels like…” are great ways to start paraphrasing their words.
If you are replying to an emotional statement, the other person just made, start with Speak to the Their Emotions using Reflective Listening and Responses.
Reflective listening and Reflective Responses are challenging to learn. It took me a considerable time of study and several years of practice and repetition to gain this skill. The benefit for me is I can be present to the people speaking with me. That is extraordinarily valuable when I’m talking with people that are important to me. Imagine how they feel, knowing I’m responding to them instead of being caught up in my mind’s reactions to what they are saying. You can also learn this communication tool and be more present and engaged with the people that are important to you. Contact me here to begin acquiring this toolset.
Remember, emotions blind us to possibilities. With Reflective Listening and Responses, we can acknowledge the feelings and gently bring the conversation to the reality of the situation. You may need to use Reflective Listening and Responses several times before the emotions deescalate enough to get to the genuine issue.
Compassionate Intention
I am a big proponent of creating win/win solutions. Yes, they usually take more effort. That effort is worth it if all parties involved in the interaction feel good about the results. So one way to set up conversations for success is to have your mind primed for being open to letting each person have the opportunity to express their position.
What thought patterns, expectations, and predispositions are you using as you start a conversation? I use the phrase Compassionate Intention to differentiate between how we feel in the moment and what we truly want from a conversation. Compassionate Intention is discerning between the emotional reactions we feel instantly, and the self-awareness and self-control to act in a way that creates possibilities for win/win solutions. The guidelines here allow for new perspectives to see every conversation we have.
Practice and Rehearse Before a Discussion to Set Yourself Up for Success
We learned how to speak automatically as children. Habitual speaking means we don’t often think before we speak. Therefore, to help your conversations go more smoothly and stay focused on the conversation’s message, practice how you want to respond and rehearse the wording you want to use. I had one student call this practice “windshield” time; he would practice as he was driving, so he was ready when he got to his appointments.
Evaluate All Statements In Context
The speaker is experiencing multiple layers of thoughts and emotions while they are talking (see The Red Bicycle Theif story for and example). The words and subtext combined will hint at the deeper layers in both parties. Thus, Speaking to Their Emotion while using Reflective Listening will be beneficial in getting beyond the reactionary feelings and into the real reasons for the discussion.
Emotional Stacking
Each one of us broadcasts our emotions flowing through our body via our Subtle-Language. Emotional stacking is reacting to the emotions each person is expressing instead of responding to the spoken words and emotional expressions. Interestingly, we can also react to the feelings we are experiencing without knowing that we are feeling them or reacting to them. When this happens, we tend to begin reacting to our reactions and lose focus on the message. We also cause ourselves a tremendous amount of emotional suffering, which is all unnecessary.
Try to Avoid Creating Emotional Stacking in Yourself, and With the Words You Use
Try to Avoid Creating Emotional Stacking in Yourself, and With the Words You Use
Emotional stacking is merely reacting to our reactions. An example is judging ourselves for feeling negative about something and then judging ourselves some more for judging ourselves. We stack an emotion about an emotion about an emotion. Another form of emotional stacking is reacting to the emotions you’re experiencing internally about the other person’s spoken words and emotional expressions.
Emotional stacking is natural for people to do because survival built us to react to our emotions and share our emotions via our subtle language and then react to the feelings we perceive in the others around us. This built-in mechanism creates problems for us, though.
Once we begin to react to our reactions, we tend to escalate over the reactions and confuse our thoughts and feelings for the genuine issue, and we miss the real point of the conversation.
Another way to look at this is in the form of suffering. We suffer over some issue. Then we berate ourselves for suffering about a problem we can’t change. Then we further berate ourselves for berating ourselves. All this emotional stacking does is create more suffering, and the loop repeats itself. Thich Nhat Hahn has a great quote about suffering and feeding suffering [through emotional stacking].
“Everything—including love, hate, and suffering—needs food to continue.
If suffering continues, it’s because we keep feeding our suffering.”
If suffering continues, it’s because we keep feeding our suffering.”
Another form of emotional stacking is entirely internal. We tend to express the feelings triggered by our thoughts more than the ideas themselves. We then create problems because our dialogue does not match the feelings we are revealing, and the listener is trying to resolve the messages they receive from our words and subtle language.
As an example, a thief stole a man’s red bike while the man was eating lunch during a bike trip. Two years later the man is eating lunch with his friend, and they see a red bicycle. The man starts talking about his red bike as he also feels angry that it was stolen. However, he never mentions that the bike had been stolen; he only talks about the red bicycle. His friend thinks the man hates red bikes because of how angry the man sounds while talking about his red bike.
In conclusion, Emotional Stacking feeds suffering.
Try Not to Personalize the Issue
Personalizing an issue means we make the issue equivalent to our identity. When someone is speaking to us, if we can separate who we are--our identity--from how we think and feel--our bodies sensations--we can stay focused on the real issue instead of trying to protect our sense of self.
Likewise, when you are speaking, try to avoid making your words into personal attacks. If there is an issue that is between you and the other person, the other person is not the problem even though it feels like they are. Try to resolve the issue and not attack the other person.
If you have read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz you will recognize this as the second agreement, “Don’t Take anything personally.”
If you believe the other person is the problem, contact me here to learn how you can ease your suffering by learning detachment.
Be Aware of Subtle Language and Subtext
(Subtext for short) Almost every human sub-consciously broadcasts information about their emotional state via several channels. Some of the channels we have very little control over and others we have full control over if we exercise it. Practicing Awareness allows us to better notice when our internal feelings are not congruent with our words. We can then look at the differing messages inside of us and find a unified solution. When our subtle language is consistent with our verbal communication, we are more likely to be understood and trusted.
As an example of subtext, think of a time when you instantly liked someone or didn’t trust someone, those feelings you experienced were probably from how your sub-conscious was interpreting the other person’s subtle language.
Some of the subtext channels and how much power we have over them are:
- Word Choice – We can have complete control within the limits of our learned vocabulary
- Sentence Structure – We can have total control within the limits of our learned grammar.
- Facial Expressions – We can have partial to extensive control with practice.
- Body Language – We can have partial to extensive control with practice.
- Sympathetic Nervous System Responses – Heart Rate, Eye Dilation, Blood Pressure, Muscle Tensing, Sweating, Digestive Process. - We have no control over the activation of these reactions. We can have partial control over the continuation of some of these reactions.
Try to Avoid Using or Believing Implied Meanings
An implied meaning is a form of saying one thing while subtly trying to say something else. Sometimes this is called reading between the lines. Frequently, the speaker will use an implied meaning to manipulate a person or situation.
Beware of Implied meanings/Subtle meanings in your conversations.
Dear Friend,
Self-Compassion is a skill we tend to learn faster when we learn together. Please sign up for my newsletter, and together, let's create better lives for ourselves. I will only send out a few emails a year.
Thank you.
Minimize Exaggerations and Generalizations
Exaggeration or generalizations usually have little or nothing to do with the issue. Unfortunately, they sound so powerful they tend to sidetrack everyone’s thinking. It is effortless for us to generalize or exaggerate a situation to satisfy how we feel in that instant. However, Speak to the Realty avoids creating more problems of reaction or Emotional Stacking to the exaggeration because the statements stay true to the situation.
Leave the Other Person in Control of Their Experience
Leaving the other person in control of their feelings and experiences is vitally important. Frequently, we try to tell others how to think or what to feel to push them to agree with our position (often we do this without knowing we are doing so see Awareness). If we leave the other person in control of their experience, we open up possibilities for navigating the situation to a win/win solution.
“May I offer this possibility? Or “Please consider this possibility.” are good ways to leave the other person in control of their experiences while offering validation and support.
Please write to me here is you have noticed you feel different than you talk, and you want to align the two.
Meet People Where They Are
In conversations, we improve our chances of being authentic and compassionate if we accept that people feel whatever they feel, and we stay present to them while they experience it. Frequently we try to bring people to our point of view, our understanding, or our emotional state. As an example, think of the friend that says to you, “don’t worry,” when you find out your phone broke and you have an important phone call about to begin. Sure it might not be a big deal, but at the moment, it feels like a big deal. Telling someone, “Don’t worry,” generally causes a form of Emotional Stacking because you will stack irritation on top of the stress you feel about your broken phone. Instead, your friend can say to you, “You feel upset; your phone broke.” Responding this way id a form of Reflective Listening and much more caring for your emotional state of mind at the moment.
I originally developed these guidelines for the employees of a client of mine. Surprisingly, they took on a life of their own, and I started to receive feedback about them, so I began to complete them. This effort, of course, kept expanding through each version I updated. If they seem complicated, try not to feel concerned. Use the parts that apply to your situation. My goal is to provide you with some tools to make your thoughts, conversations, and life go more smoothly, open up possibilities for you, and foster the least amount of suffering. I am here to be a guide for you as you move forward. Call me at 720-789-4000 or contact me here, and we can work through your situation together.
I believe in you.
